There is more about a gentle spirit on the Having a Gentle Spirit page, but there is a fairly simple question on gentleness that we should consider.
In your conversations, how do you behave yourself? Are you one who is constantly looking to put in "your two cents?" Do people worry about sharing their thoughts or ideas with you? Are there secrets your husband will not tell you because he fears your response?
Women have many tones to their voices. Some women have been raised in such a way that their tone of voice is harsh and makes them sound angry even when, if you take their word for it, they are not angry. They can drive children to tears and husbands to despair, yet claim "well, I wasn't mad," so that no one really knows. There is a special kind of a woman's voice. Every man knows immediately what that sentence means. There is a voice of nagging, of anger, of negativity that is shocking in its effect.
Gentleness is about a lot of things, but the most obvious fact is how you speak. At dinner with couples, I am sometimes amazed at how negatively the wife speaks to the husband. How quickly she "snaps" at him or orders him about, in a way she would never do with someone to whom she was not married. This is not gentleness, under any definition.
The gentle person knows that God is sovereign over all things. They know that "their opinion" is not needed on every issue. They are not worried about everything nor afraid of the future. Like the excellent wife, they "laugh at the times to come." Prov. 31:25. Gentleness is not something we "put on" as a cloak, but something that develops within us, through the working of the Holy Spirit.
Gentleness is the proof of wisdom, as James tells us. A lack of gentleness, likewise, is proof that we have not yet come as far as we ought to come.
Are you a gentle spirit in your home? Does your gentleness make your home a place of peace? Or are you a source of the tension in your home? A gentle and quiet spirit is precious not on in God's sight, but in the sight of men as well.
Peter's words to wives are quite clear -- "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."Consider the power of these words. Of all the things that wives think are important, the one thing that God views as "precious" is a gentle and quiet spirit. How significant is this to you? How important is God's opinion in your decision making?
He does not say that a gentle and quiet spirit is "precious in man's sight." You are not called to be "gentle and quiet" because it will please your husband, but in order to please God. He sees your faithfulness in this regard as "precious." Your arguments are not precious in His sight. Your sarcasm and cleverness are not precious in His sight. Your manipulations are not precious in His sight. He is not thrilled by your ability to win a fight. What He wants and deems precious is a gentle and quiet spirit.
We will talk about gentle and quiet as we go forward. For today, think on this promise. There is something that God desires greatly in your life. It is not something you can put into a list. It is not praying for a certain amount of time every day, or giving a certain amount of money, or reading a certain number of verses. It is becoming a woman with a gentle and quiet spirit. Scripture tells us what this means, but we must start at the reality that very few women view this in the way God views it.
This is about who you are and who you plan to be. Is it your desire to be precious in the sight of God? Or is it your desire to do what pleases you or pleases the world?
Sunday was Mothers Day, the day that Congress and Hallmark tell us to think about our mothers. We often spend the day making phone calls and giving presents and, perhaps, spending a little time thinking nostalgic thoughts of our moms. This is all well and good, but there is something else to think about as well.
We are told, again and again, that our parents are the most important figures in determining how we will behave as a wife (or husband). We see how our parents interact and that is how we think married people ought to interact. If they argue and disagree frequently, then we are perfectly comfortable arguing and disagreeing in our marriages as well. If they were affectionate, then we are affectionate. If they were cold, then we are cold.
We also expect our spouse to act like our parents. As wives, you expect your husband to act and react as you saw your father act and react. If your father was a kind and patient man, you expect kindness and patience. If your father was a cruel man, you expect cruelty.
Here is the reality of "what our mothers left us." They left us filled with fears, hopes, expectations, and concerns about marriage. For all the Bible's talk of "older women teaching younger women," most young women know almost nothing about marriage but what they have seen in their homes. Most moms do not actually teach their daughters consciously, but the teaching of their lives is enough.
I asked on Sunday how many women had taken their husband's arm in a public place in the last month. A few women raised their hands. I wonder how many of them had moms who would do such things. Of the women who did not, I wonder how many never saw their mom do that. I know you probably think it is a small thing, taking your husband's arm in public. It is actually a very telling act. It communicates a pleasure in his company and closeness. It communicates affection. It communicates a sense of belonging and warmth. It expresses a sense of ownership (telling others "this is my husband." It is a quintessentially "wifely" act. I cannot understand why any woman would fail to do such a simple act which means so much to both you and your husband, except that they do not even think of it.
What did you learn from your mom? Did you learn to be affectionate in public, to be proud of him, to be glad to be seen with him, to take actions to let him (and others) know how glad you are that you married him? Or did you learn to defend yourself? Did you learn to be suspicious, fearful, and cold?
Every abusive father, every cold mom, every bitter family torn by strife, leaves the world with wounded children, who will grow up to wound their own children unless they learn better from other people. Older women are to teach younger women in the church. We do not want children left to what they saw at home, because we know that "what we saw at home" may not have been healthy at all.
It is the word of God and the wisdom He gives that tells us what a wife should be. If we had a godly mother to model it for us, then thank God for such kindness. If not, then learn from others how to be an excellent wife..
In talking about doing things well, we often get caught up in worrying about "all the things we have to do." We feel overwhelmed by the huge number of things we have to take care of (as we see it). So, here is a suggestion for Monday morning - do the next thing well.
Whatever is on your list today, just take the next item and do it really well. Take pride in doing it. Realize how much it affects other people. Folding clothes is a mundane chore that is absolutely critical to the daily happiness of people. When you fold clothes, how do you fold them? Do you fold them in bitterness or boredom or do you fold them as if you were serving the Lord? Or do you just let them sit day after day until someone else in the family does the work?
Paul urges us to a high level of effort in Colossians 3: "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." Two points have to be made.
First, he is speaking to servants. He is talking to people who (as slaves or servants) have no freedom to choose what they will do. They do the most menial of tasks in the most menial of settings. They, he says, as to serve Christ in their work. Doing all the little things well means as much to Christ as preaching a sermon, if you do it with the right spirit.
Second, he says "whatever you do." Whatever is next on your list. Dishes, clothes, cleaning, or diaper changing are things you do not only for your family but for Christ himself. At work, sales and brochures and scheduling and all the myriads of your job are things you do for Christ, not just for your boss.
So, right now, take the next item on your list. Recognize that it is something that you may not value, but that Christ values how you do it. With the right spirit, and the right mind, and the right effort, this is your moment of serving Christ. Make it a great moment by serving him "heartily."
One of the most common "communication" issues between men and women arises from the problem of praise. Women would like to be praised, but too often do not want to do what is necessary to gain praise. They want everyone to think well of them, even if they actually aren't doing very well. They are hyper-sensitive to anything that may be "negative" to them.
You see this in couples all the time. The man, being an innocent in this whole program, will say of a neighbor's house: "You know, they really keep a nice home there." His wife's response will be "So, you're saying I'm a bad housekeeper" or "well, why don't you marry her then?" He, if he is like most men, is just puzzled, because he said nothing of the sort. This is one of the many, many communication problems between men and women.
The man was just praising someone who earned praise. The wife was looking for an offense. Knowing she was not, in fact, a good housekeeper, she was too quick to find offense in someone else's success. Not receiving praise for her own failure to keep house, she was offended that he would praise someone else. Two thoughts come to mind.
First, this shows how our failure can hurt others. We lack confidence, often because we are not really good at something, and we therefore stop others from being praised or, just as foolishly, we demand that everyone be praised equally. We cannot say that someone is a "great teacher" without also saying how good "all our teachers" are. We cannot praise one person without praising everyone. "Everyone is special," we say. Of course, as The Incredibles pointed out, this means no one is really special at all. The result is that people, generally, are not praised enough for real reasons, but are praised too often for nothing at all.
Second, this shows how much we all crave praise. Women really want to be praised, they just don't want to earn praise. They want their husbands to find them attractive, but they don't really do anything to be attractive and, often, withhold sex (which is greatly involved in attraction). They would like to have their homemaking to be praised (especially when out with friends), but do not want to keep house. They want their cooking to be praised, but do not want to learn to cook. So, when someone actually cooks well, keeps house well, and appears attractive, they do not want that person praised at all.
We must all learn that praise is earned. I do not praise someone because I love them, because loving them is about who I am, not about who they are. I praise someone because there is cause for praise. A home that is a wreck is not cause for praise. A wife who does not work cannot be praised for her work. Children who are ill-behaved will not bring praise to their parents.
The excellent wife is not praised because she is loved, she is praised because she is an excellent wife. She is praised by the "work of her hands." She is praised because she makes life better for people around her. She is praised because she dresses well. She is praised because she keeps her home. She is praised because she loves her husband.
She is praised because her life calls forth praise from everyone who knows her.
Our topic for the week is "being praise-worthy." Put simply, what about your life deserves praise?
There is a real difficulty regarding praise in our culture. We are in an age of praise. We all praise everything all the time. Our children get praise for everything they do (even when they do poorly). We give trophies for "trying hard," even to children who do not try at all. We have grade inflation at every educational level. People think they should be praised for getting to work on time (or within a few minutes of their time).
We hear sermons telling men how "important it is" to "praise your wife," to which many men privately respond, "But for what?" Proverbs 31 does not say that men "ought to praise their wives." It says that the husband of an excellent wife does praise her. This is not a command to men. It is describing reality. Men will praise when praise is earned.
So, your goal is to ask the simple question: "Does my husband praise me?" If so, then for what does he praise you? If not, then why not? The answer is for you to become praise-worthy.
Praise arises from what we do, not from what we wanted to do or thought we might do or how we feel about something. What do you do? Proverbs tells us that "the works of her hands" praise her, so what are the works of your hands? If you are a homemaker, does your home bring forth praise? When someone visits, do they comment on how beautiful things look? Do they remark on how well-behaved your children are? Do they admire how well you do the works of your life? If you work outside the home, how do you work? Do you work faithfully? Do you work with your husband to make the family/work balance make sense in your home?
If you are not receiving praise, then there is a reason. Perhaps what you think is praise-worthy really isn't done so well after all. Perhaps you are doing a good job at something that is of no importance to anyone.
Do the works of your hands praise you? Do people praise you because of what you do? Are you praise-worthy?
Yesterday, I watched a tennis clinic given by a friend of mine. Well, actually, I did not watch it. I was playing on the court next door and "experienced it," mainly by picking up tennis balls that came on our court. The clinic had a dozen or so young women. They all seemed to be bright young women who really, really, wanted to learn to play tennis. This was, I think, their fifth clinic or so. They were all highly motivated and pleasant (no thrown racquets). The coach was energetic and they had a great relationship. But these tennis balls kept coming onto our court. They were trying their best, he was teaching his best, and tennis is really not that hard (at least at our level of play). But they could not keep the balls on their court at all. Why?
Because motive is not enough. It is not enough to "want to be" a good tennis player, you have to actually learn the game and hit the shots. In the same way, it is not enough to "want to be" a good wife. You have to actually learn how to a good wife. It is nice when someone tries to do something they are not yet good at doing, but that is only nice for a little while. Sooner or later, you have to be able to hit the shots.
Being a wife is far more complex than hitting a tennis ball. You have to deal with people and issues and deadlines and money problems and a husband who shares these problems. You may try your best (as the ladies next to us did last night), but still hit the ball all over the place. Your best attempt may have the worst result.
But you keep trying and you keep learning and you get better. You think about what happened (as opposed to just forgetting it or fixating on it). You talk to friends. You seek advice from older women. You gradually learn both little things (how much pepper in the potatoes) and big things (how to talk with your husband about money).
Some of you are young wives who never really had a clinic at all. You find yourself married and confused, not knowing the rules or how to play the game. Your shots go everywhere. Don't panic and don't give up. Keep learning, keep trying, and keep loving your husband the best that you can, every day.
Some of you are older wives who have missed a lot of shots over the years, but you have learned a lot as well. You should help the younger women to learn what they need to make the game a success.
Remember, in tennis the scoring begins with "love," which is kind of cute. In marriage, you also begin with love. But you learn more and try more and fail more and, eventually, succeed more. Love is "zero" in tennis, but is a constant and a joy in marriage.
If you really learn how to love.
As I mentioned, my wife and I attended a wedding this weekend. It was a family affair, a nice traditional wedding. The bride looked lovely and the men wore tuxedos and the pastor read through 1 Corinthians 13 (the most misused text on earth, but that is for another day). Everyone sat around for pictures and then we went to a very nice reception.
And I wondered, as I always do at weddings.
Looking at the bride, in her wedding dress and her big smile, I wondered how much she really knows about what will follow the event, about the years to come. Has any older woman in the church spoken to her about how to love her husband? Did any pastor sit her down for "counseling," as we now call it? Does she know about wisdom and patience and kindness and gentleness and strength? I wonder about the husband as well, but this is a women's website.
Think back to your wedding. What did you know of your future? Did you have any idea about what it would mean to be a wife? Or did you just go in with whatever you picked up from watching your parents?
The reason older women are to teach younger women is really very simple -- because they know more. They may not be more knowledgeable about theology, but they almost certainly know more about marriage. They may not be able to break down a section of the scriptures hermeneutically, but they have experienced so many things that a young wife needs to know.
Where are they supposed to learn these things? Not in our Sunday Schools, which tend toward Bible studies, or in our Ladies Ministries (which are too often led by young women), or our Youth Ministries (where women and men learn "together" because it is more fun together and there is just one minister).
A lovely wedding. A lovely couple. Nice families on both sides. But I wondered. What did she know? What will she learn? Does she know what she is getting into? Throwing the bouquet is fun, but then the work begins.
Back to Monday, so was your weekend short or long? We talk about this all the time, after all. We will say we had a "short weekend" or a "long weekend," that the "year is passing quickly" or that the "year is just crawling by." Time, after all, is relative, at least in our experience of it.
What did you do this weekend? Was there anything important done? We saw family at a wedding (which is always nice), but did not really do much else. Our grandchildren came over to swim on Sunday afternoon. We spent some time Facebooking on our son's basic training website.
But what about your marriage? Did anything important happen this weekend between you and your husband? Was there an argument or a disagreement? DId you do something good for him (or did he do something good for you)?
Weekends are "days off" for a lot of people, meaning they do not go to their jobs. Unfortunately, some people think they are also "days off" for their marriage. People will work all week on "being patient" or "being kind," then take the weekend off. This, of course, is a very bad practice. Not only is it illogical, but the weekend is when you can do the most that is good.
I have learned that a pleasant weekend with my family (especially my wife) is a great weekend, whether it is long or short. That my wife's attention on a weekend is not less valuable, but more valuable to me, because it is more extended.
Whether long or short, you will have hundreds of weekends together. Make them count, not in the artificial "we need to do something on our weekends" way of imposing on others, but in the way that you interact with people. Ultimately, it's not about where you go or what you see, but about who you are.
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