We have talked some about changes to him, what about changes to you? One of the things in the letter I mentioned last week was the wife's conviction that her husband had changed dramatically but that she was still the wonderful, loving, fascinating person she had been 13 years and four children ago. There is no way that is possible. 

Yes, he has changed. If you have been married for even a year, he has changed. He is alive, he is living, he is having experiences, he is learning, he is failing, he is succeeding. He is growing up. So are you.

Sometime today, stop and think back to when you married. If you have them, pull out some photographs of when you were first married. Remember how you looked and how you felt. Remember what you thought at the time about yourself and about your new husband. You had dreams you had never told him and there were things you expected that you never said either.  

Think back to your first night together, how you treated one another, and your first few weeks together as man and wife. You began to learn more about him pretty quickly, didn't you? You found out what he did when he was at home (something you had never known). You learned about what you each liked to read or watch on television. You found out about all kinds of things that you agreed on and things you disagreed about. 

You may have argued about food (it is amazing how differently families prepare the same food). You may have had some arguments even about sex or public displays of affection. You learned that he also had expectations he had never told you. 

Think about the first time you wondered whether you had made a mistake. Remember? Do you remember wondering how you would ever be able to put up with him the rest of your life? If you never felt such a thing, then you are a very unusually blessed wife. 

Think about your first child and how much you had to learn. Think about getting up in the middle of the night, about feedings and colic and diapers. Remember how it changed your relationship to your husband? Think about your other children, how each was different and how each changed your life. 

If you think you are the same as the young woman who stood there and took the marriage vow, you are wrong. You have learned so many things and each thing has changed you. You may not be as patient or as interesting as you were, because so much of your life is tied up with children, who do not tend to promote either patience or interesting thinking. 

You have changed. I can say that with absolute certainty because no one can stay the same, even if they are dead. Time changes all things. Think about how you have changed. Embrace the reality that you have changed.

Now, think about how those changes have impacted your husband. Are you as patient as you were? Are you as kind? Does he get as much of your attention as he did before the children came? Of course not, there is no way he could get as much attention. How do you think he feels about that? 

How much did you do for him this week? Not for them (the children), but for him. Do you do as much for him as you used to do? Do  you love him as much as you used to love him? Do you show love to him? 

We all change. If you think you have not changed, then there is one more thing to convince you. Look at a picture of you from the time you married and then look at a picture taken today. Do you look the same? No? Why do you think nothing has changed but your appearance?

You have changed. He has changed. That is what marriage is all about, after all, two people who are constantly changing, but changing together. 

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