So, you are getting ready for bed after an evening with your husband and some friends. You had a nice time sitting and talking together. While you are getting ready for bed, stop and think about it a moment.
One of the oddities of American married life is that men are always being told to think about things, but people kind of assume that women are already doing lots of thinking. This, of course, is nonsense. Most people never really think about anything very much, our attention spans are too short and there is too much going on. But, think about tonight.
From the moment you arrived at the party (or when they arrived at your place), did you do anything that manifested your love for your husband or your special relationship to him? Think carefully before you answer.
Walk back over the whole evening. When you arrived together, did you immediately separate without any acknowledgement of doing so? Like friends would do? Or, when people came to your house, did you each simply go your way? Like roommates would do?
During the evening, how many times did you talk to your husband? What was your tone of voice? Did you sound petulant, peeved, unhappy, bossy? Remember that how you treat him in public is the most important factor in how the public will see him.
During the evening, how many times did you touch him? That's right, physically touch him? We all know that physical touch can be one of the most intimate and indicative actions one lover takes with another. Did you ever touch him? Take his arm? Acknowledge him leaving the room by a kiss or a hug? No? Or did you interact as friends do?
One of the problems we often face is that we have downgraded our marriages into friendships. We often hear a wife say of her husband that "he is my best friend" or a husband say his wife is "his best friend." They mean well. But the words are really dreadful in their import.
You see, the words presume that being a friend is somehow more than being a husband or a wife. If I am married to someone, then that person is my wife. She is the only person in the world who can be my wife. But I have lots of friends. Why would I want to define her as my friend? Why take from her the unique, special role of wife and replace it with friendship?
Why would I want my wife to see me as a friend rather than a husband or a lover?
But that is how we are, these days. We set friendship as the measurement of our relationships and expect husbands to be "best friends," which is actually much less than being a husband. A husband who is thought of as a best friend is not a good husband or (at least) is not being appreciated for being a husband. We have lost the sense that our relationship to our husband or wife is not like any other relationship. The degree to which this is true is shown in our social lives, where we treat our husband like a friend or roommate, not like a husband at all. Sometimes, we treat them barely as a friend at all.
Think about your evening. Was there anything in your dealings with your husband which told the whole world that he is your husband, the man you love, the man you married, the man with whom you share the "oneness" of life? Did you remind him by your care for him and pleasure in his presence?
One reason divorce is more common is that we have lost the understanding that marriage is special. We think and act as friends and, when friendship is tested by reality, we leave.
My wife is not my "best friend," she is my wife. She is more important to me than any other person on the earth. She is special to me.
Is the same true of you and your husband? Think carefully.
In the world of marriage counseling, there is probably nothing heard more frequently than "he is not romantic." It is astonishing how often and how fervently wives complain about their husbands "not being romantic." There are two really simple thoughts that come to mind.
First, there is the basic unfairness of this complaint. Why? Because it has no meaning. Seriously. What does "romantic" mean to you? Believe it or not, it does not actually have a set meaning. When you pin them down, each wife has a very different idea of what it means to "be romantic."
For some women, romantic means flowers and dinners and gifts and such. For others, it means opening doors. For others, it means taking the children somewhere so she can relax. For some, it means all of these things, plus lots of other things. In short, it has no meaning beyond "doing what I want him to do." A man can hear a woman compliment her husband for "being romantic," do the exact same thing that night, and get an earful of complaining from his own wife about how unromantic he is.
If you want your husband to "be" something, then tell him that. Seriously. Tell him what you want. Ask him to do what you want him to do. Men like to know what they are supposed to do. Men do not like having to guess. Just tell him.
Wives often respond by saying that they "want him to just be that way, not to try to be that way." What? Do you get that? They are saying they prefer him to "be" something naturally rather than to make an effort to please them. They want him to "be romantic" by his nature (this will almost never happen), even though no one deserves any credit for what comes naturally. On the other hand, they will not credit him for doing something in order to try to be romantic, because then he is "being a fake." They will say that he only did it because "he was told to" not because "he wanted to" so it is "not really romantic." This is nonsense.
Ladies, give him a break. You cannot be angry at him for not being what you think you want him to be. Your duty is not to trick him into doing something you want, but to love him as he is. Your job (as a wife) is to recognize who he is and love that person, not some other person you wish you had married. Stop watching "romantic" movies and judging your husband poorly because he does not read the same lines the actors read. Love the man you married.
Second, when were you last "romantic" to him? If "romance" to you means him doing what you want or value, then you being "romantic" to him means doing what he wants or values. To him, romance may be going fishing or working in the garage. To him, romantic may be joining him for a football game. How often have you "been romantic" to him?
The reality is that "being romantic" is just noise generated by movies and television and the appropriately named "romance" novels, which are just filled with such nonsense. I understand there are even so-called "Christian romance novels," which is one of those phrases I wish I had never heard. Romance is not reading a book about someone who never existed.
Romance is loving the man you married. Romance is sitting together of an evening with the children in bed. Romance is sharing a movie or a dinner or a Dairy Queen blizzard together. Romance is being in love with each other. Romance is not chocolates or flowers or poems or any of the other nonsensical things we think it ought to be.
What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined together
to strengthen each other in all labour, to minister to each other in all sorrow, to share with
each other in all gladness, to be one with each other in the silent unspoken memories?
-- George Eliot
One of the realities of our life is that we have made a bond between insults and friendships. This is most commonly true among men, I believe, but is also common in situations where men and women are together. (I do not know what happens when only women are around, because I am not there.)
You know what I mean. As we sit and talk, we tend to insult one another jovially. We are not serious, but we "cut down" one another in clever ways. Families do this when they get together for holidays or events, with brothers and sisters outdoing one another in clever remarks.
There is, however, a very definite rule in such settings. Men do not insult their wives, even jovially, in most situations. Men have learned not to do so. Any comment that is insulting to a wife is off-limits in most situations. Do not go there, we are told, and well we are told, because the result is not what one would like.
Nonetheless, we see wives insult their husbands in such settings. In fact, in any such setting, one need only wait a few minutes for a wife to make some comment about her husband. It might be about his weight, or his eating habits, or his job, or his hobbies, or anything, but she will make the statement and everyone will laugh.
Stop it, ladies. Seriously. Just stop it.
There is no good coming from insulting your husband or even from agreeing with someone's else insult of your husband. Husbands are judged by the behavior of their wives. Every man, in a social setting, knows that people's opinions of him depend (in large degree) on his wife. A man who is honored by his wife is admired. A man who is insulted by his wife is humiliated.
You do not need to defend him from others, but you must not attack him. You do not have to argue with someone who insults him, but you are not to applaud their attack.
Scripture speaks of honoring your husband, and this is a place where honoring is found. To insult him, to treat him badly, is to make a mockery of him as your husband and as a man. Do not lecture him in front of others. Do not direct him hither and yon to be your servant. Do not join with others in insulting him. It will hurt him.
Two thoughts come to mind. First, yes, it really will hurt him. Women will argue with me on this, being sure that "nothing I say will hurt him." They are wrong. He may not say anything (why would he?), but he will be hurt by it. Many people can insult me, but my wife is not "many people," she is my wife, flesh of my flesh, my lover forever. Because she holds a special place in my life, she must behave in accordance with that special place. Even if others may insult me (friends), she may not. She is not my friend, she is my wife. She is unique in the world. She can hurt me more than anyone else and more easily than anyone else.
Second, people will complain that, if they follow this rule, they will have nothing to say. Really? Is that how barren your life has become?
I play tennis with a group of men and, I must admit, the conversation is often pretty sad. Often (too often) the conversation is almost all insults. It is a burdensome thing to have such conversations endlessly, but that is what men often do.
Is that all you have in your heart and mind? You cannot discuss anything without insulting your husband? Odd admission to make about your own heart.
Here is a plan. Next time you are with family or friends, make a decision. You will not insult your husband. Just make up your mind. Don't tell anyone. Don't make a show of it. Don't "defend" him endlessly, just don't insult him. You might be very surprised.
Years ago, a group of men used to sit together commuting on a ferry boat. Often, as men do, we would joke about the common issues we had with our wives. Except for one man. There was one man in our group who would occasionally shake his head and laugh and say "I have no idea what you men are talking about, my wife is nothing like that."
One day, I met his wife and, you know what, he was right. She was nothing like that. She appeared, by all measures, to be an Excellent Wife, as he testified, and has remained such until this day, as far as I know. He honored her rightly.
Maybe it is time to be an Excellent Wife, one who is different from all the other wives. Start in your conversation. You may be surprised how much it changes about you and about your marriage.
I saw something really great this morning, that most wives would not have noticed. It is a sad truth that wives seem to be entirely unaware of very important things.
In a restaurant parking lot, I saw a couple get out of one of those large trucks. The husband was driving and the wife got out of the other side. As she came around the back of the parked truck, he was waiting on her. She came up to him and took his arm. He smiled.
She took his arm.
I have spoken to women over the years and they seem entirely unaware of this very simple truth. Men love it when you take their arm. How long has it been?
The look on the young man's face should have been photographed and put on the front page of every book on marriage. He was happy. He was in love. He was with a woman who loved being with him. Why? She took his arm.
Now, of course, there was a lot more than taking his arm. There always is more, which is why taking his arm means something. But taking his arm matters.
Wives complain about husbands "not being romantic," by which they usually have some general ideas about flowers or presents or how they feel. But wives are very seldom romantic in a way that men value. Men do not want flowers (which are nothing). Men do not want chocolates. Men want you to take their arm. Men want you to show that you love them by how you treat them, not by spending money.
Taking his arm tells everyone in sight that he is your man. Taking his arm tells him and everyone else that you like being with him. Taking his arm is intimate (no one else takes his arm). Taking his arm is personal, private, precious, pleasant.
Yet I see couples all the time and almost no wives taking a man's arm this way. Speaking as a man, let me tell you something. I would rather my wife take my arm than celebrate my birthday. I would rather have her take my arm than have her walk with me like a partner. I want her to be a wife, and wives are not partners. Wives are lovers. Lovers take a man's arm.
You may think that it would "seem strange" to do something so impulsive, so intimate, so unusual. Yes, it would seem strange to you. Why? Because you do not really love him that much, do you? You no longer look forward to seeing him when you come around the back of the parked truck. You are no longer thrilled to walk with him through the mall. You are no longer proud to be with him. You do not love him, after all.
Is that the message? Have you stopped being a lover?
The place where you see women take a man's arm is in youth. Young couples do this naturally, warmly, passionately, comfortably. Because their love is more important than their "personal space" and they do not mind letting everyone know this is Their Man and they are proud to be with him.
Do you love your husband? Take his arm. Today. You may be amazed at his response.
Vashti is one of those odd Bible women who has, in some amazing way, become a heroine to many Christian women. How did she reach this stage? By humiliating and disobeying her husband, who also happened to be her King and the ruler of a great empire. How did she get to be a heroine? Well, it takes some creativity.
The story, of course, is in Esther Chapter 1. The ruler of the Empire (Ahasuerus) was having a great year. His power was unchallenged through the 127 provinces of his empire. He held a great festival, lasting six months, during which his local rulers all traveled to his capital and were dined and entertained (all while planning an attack on Greece, by the way). His wealth was immense and his people (and rulers) were amazed at his wealth, his kindness, and his power. The fact that he could bring local leaders so far from their communities shows how stable was his kingdom.
After the big event, Ahaseurus held a second event. The purpose of the second event was to honor the people of his capital, who had made the first event such a success. This second event was to last a full week (seven days), with the people of Susa (the capital) invited to come to the king's palace and feast on his food, drink from his wine cellar, and rejoice in the greatness of their kingdom. They even had a secondary feast, hosted by Vashti, for the wives of the city.
Two wonderful events showing the power, the kindness, and the greatness of their king. The people rejoiced. The king was greatly honored. All was well.
On the seventh day, the king decided to top the whole event with a great moment. His people, who had so supported him in the six-month event, would be honored by the presence of his queen, Vashti, at their banquet. He asked her to come to the banquet, to wear her royal robe and crown, and show herself to the people of Susa. The people would have been blown away by this event. She was, by all reports, a beautiful queen. He wanted to show everyone, at this final event, the final glory of his beautiful queen. Had she come, he would have been even more greatly honored. The people would have gone home filled with the glory of their king, of their queen, and of their kingdom.
But she refused. She refused to come when her husband called her. She refused to wear the royal robe and crown. She refused to honor him and their people. Her refusal ruined the entire event. Her refusal caused people, on the way home, to speak not of his glory but of her refusal. Her refusal brought him shame and cast a pall over the whole event.
Yet, people see her as a heroine. She did nothing in the whole story except host one party and humiliate her husband and king. Yet, many people defend her. How?
Well, some people claim that the party was a "drunken orgy," but this is not something scripture says. Scripture says the party was entirely seemly. In fact, the writer makes clear that no one was forced to drink (v. 8). If you believe that the people of Susa would go to the king's palace, to be honored, and just get drunk, then you are simply inventing things to believe. It was not an orgy, it was a celebration.
Well, some people claim the king was "drunk," but the scripture says only that "the heart of the king was merry with wine." That is, after all, why God gave us wine, according to Psalm 104:
You cause the grass to grow for the livestock
and plants for man to cultivate,
that he may bring forth food from the earth
and wine to gladden the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine
and bread to strengthen man’s heart.
Merry with wine does not mean drunk. Drunk means drunk. (Gen. 9:21). The king did no sin here.
Some people even claim that women in that time were not allowed to be seen publicly. Not only is this simply inventing something which neither history nor the Bible tells us, it is nonsense. Why would the queen have a royal robe and crown if she were never to be seen?
The Bible does not excuse her at all. The king is angry at her, his ministers admit her sin clearly (no one defends her), and she is punished by being permanently excluded from his company and being replaced by another queen. After all, what good is a queen who will not appear before her people? What good is a queen who will not wear her crown and robe and sit beside her husband in glory?
Vashti was wrong. Everything in the story makes clear that she was wrong. He was her husband and her king. She should have obeyed him for both of those reasons. Instead, she humiliated him, she ruined the glory of his celebration for his people, and she lessened the respect in which he was held by his people.
Imagine that Vashti had done what was requested. Imagine her appearing at the head table with her husband (or perhaps on thrones together). Imagine the excitement of the people, the glory of the moment. There is no greater glory for a man than to have people admire his wife. There is no moment of glory for a man that is not greater when his wife is there with him. If she had come when asked, she would have taken part in a moment of glory that would have resounded throughout the Empire, as people declared their love for her and her husband.
Instead, she lost everything.
Why do modern wives want to admire her? What is it about us that we try so hard to find reasons to avoid doing what is right? Wives, all too often, simply refuse to do what they do not want to do, then try to come up with some explanation to justify their actions. They defend Vashti by making up excuses, trying to show that she was right and her husband was wrong. In their own lives, they justify their failures by claiming some error on the part of their husbands. Women's classes are filled with "but he ought to" and justifications for the failure to be good wives. Their pride causes their sin and then causes them to justify their sin, as they try to justify Vashti.
Have you ever refused to go with your husband when you were invited? Maybe you thought the meeting would be too boring. Maybe you thought his friends were not really very interesting. Maybe you just did not want to be with your husband in a place where people really praised him. Why did you tell him "no"?
Vashti was replaced by Esther, a godly woman who honored and respected her husband and, thereby, was used by God to save her people. Who will you be today, Vashti or Esther?
Michal is a Bible woman whose story is fascinating, but whose "fame" is based on a single story in which she comes out poorly. She is yet another example of how harshly we often judge people in the Bible.
Michal was the daughter of Saul, first King of Israel. She was the younger of two daughters. In 1 Samuel 18, we are told that Saul proposed to have David marry his older daughter, but David refused and the older daughter was married to someone else. We are also told that Michal loved David.
Saul, thinking to benefit thereby, decided to marry Michal to David, hoping to use her against David, so he arranged for people to talk to David and convince him to marry Michal. He thought Michal would be a snare to David (as so many wives can be). Eventually, he succeeded and David married Michal. But she was not a snare, she was a good wife who loved her husband, so much so that Saul came to fear what he had done. "But when Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David, and that Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved him, Saul was even more afraid of David."
Michal became a great strength to David, it appears, and convinced him to flee in order to avoid Saul's trap against him. She "let him down" from his house (to avoid Saul's watchers) and made up an image to lie in bed and appear to be him, giving him time to escape. Eventually, after he escaped, she was sent to be wife to another man, Palti, we are told in 1 Samuel 25.
When David returned, after Saul's death, his price for peace was the return of Michal, a measure of his love for her despite his marrying several other women during the time she was gone. We are told that he refused to negotiate with Abner unless Michal was returned to him. We are also told that her second husband was distraught over losing her and that he wept and followed her until he was forced to leave by Abner. 2 Samuel 3:12-16.
It is a wonderful story, isn't it? She loved her husband. She loved him more than she loved her father and more than she loved her own life. She was precious to him (he insisted on her return) and she saved his life. When she was forced to take a second husband, she was also apparently an Excellent Wife to him as well, as he abandoned all dignity and followed her, weeping at the thought of losing her.
She was, and is, a great inspiration in a time where a woman had no real choice in where she went. She loved her husband and was a great benefit to him. Yet, she is not known for any of these things. She is known for a final failing.
In 2 Samuel 6, we are told that David danced before the Ark of God as it was brought into the city, wearing only a linen ephod. Michal "despised" him for behaving in such a way and confronted him. He responded that he was honoring God who had chosen him and would do so even if she despised him.
That is what we all remember. We remember the one moment in her life where her love for her husband failed because of her pride. She was distressed by his behavior and by what she perceived as the lewdness of his dancing before other women. Her words are remembered, even though the rest of her life is not remembered at all. It is unfair and sad that this is the case.
David is not primarily remembered for his sin of adultery and murder. Abraham is not primarily remembered for his sin of lying or fathering a son with a servant girl. But Michal's service is forgotten in her moment of weakness.
So what do we take from the story of Michal? We learn the truth that an Excellent Wife, like everyone, must be careful of falling. Michal loved David and was a faithful wife to her philandering husband, even accepting his multiple marriages and his years of absence. If not for one error, we would remember her well and she would be in all the Bible studies we write on being a good wife.
What will people remember of you? Will they remember your years of faithfulness and love? Or will they remember a moment of weakness and failure? Stay strong in your faith, stay faithful in your love.
Rebekah, wife of Isaac, presents us with a very different picture than we see with Sarah. Sarah is commended by Peter for her character as a wife, but Rebekah is never commended at all. Her actions show us yet another truth about the risks faced by wives.Rebekah, of course, is the wife of Isaac, the promised son of Abraham on whom the promise rested. Isaac and Rebekah were married after Abraham's servant fetched her from her family, which was related to Abraham. The story is a wonderful one, told in Genesis 24. We know very little about their lives together, except that she was barren for many years. Eventually, in response to a prayer of Isaac, she conceived twins. As the twins were very active in the womb, she sought help from God and was told: "Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you[c] shall be divided;
the one shall be stronger than the other,
the older shall serve the younger."
Genesis 25:23. The sons were Esau (the elder) and Jacob. For whatever reason, Isaac and Rebekah each favored a different son. Isaac favored Esau, a hunter and outdoorsman. Rebekah favored Jacob, perhaps because of the word she had been told. Rebekah had received God's word, after all, telling her that Jacob would be stronger than Esau and that Esau would serve Jacob. She apparently believed this promise was of earthly strength and earthly power, rather than the promise of God's blessing (see Romans 9). When Isaac was old, he prepared to bless Esau with his physical wealth. Rebekah, however, wanted that blessing to go to Jacob and she convinced Jacob to deceive his father so that he would receive Esau's blessing. The result was, of course, bitterness and division, ultimately forcing Jacob to leave the area. Rebekah, therefore, was a dishonest wife, tricking her husband (and getting her son to trick his father) in order to obtain what she thought was important. She thought Isaac was wrong to bless Esau, but rather than talk to Isaac, she deceived him. She loved Jacob more than Esau, and by her action obtained wealth for Jacob, but at the cost of the enmity of his brother and years of exile. She had to know that the deceit would be discovered (once it was done, it was done, and Esau would not accept it quietly). She did not care about Isaac's humiliation or her part in his humiliation. She, it appears, tried to do something we often do -- to accomplish God's will through our sin. She believed that God's promise meant that Jacob should receive the earthly blessing and probably justified her action to herself on that basis, but she was wrong. God's blessing was about His promise to Abraham, not about tents and cattle and servants. It is easy, as a wife, to deceive your husband in many things. It is easy to deceive him in many things that seem wise to you or helpful to you. But it is always a sin. The promise of God did not depend on her dishonesty and the blessings of God are not obtained by your dishonesty. Do not make Rebekah's mistake. Do not embitter your relationship with your husband through dishonesty. There are many things that put stress on a marriage, but few are as destructive as deceit. Deceit causes a pain, a doubt, and a barrier that can only be removed through years of struggle. Remember Rebekah, but do not be like her.
One of the constant themes in "women's classes" is to examine what the Bible tells us about wives, but through the prism of actual wives in the Bible. In essence, we examine what little we know about wives in the Bible and try to draw conclusions. Sometimes, we draw very odd conclusions, but sometimes we draw very good conclusions indeed.
So, let's look at some Bible wives this week, starting with Sarah, the wife of Abraham, our father in faith.
Immediately, we find that we have serious limitations. We are told nothing at all about what kind of wife Sarah was. There is nothing about how she "ran the house" or dealt with servants or interacted with her husband (the things we consider to be most important in our wife classes). We cannot draw any conclusions about how she cooked or cleaned. :)
The one thing we are told clearly is that she is a model for women in how to honor their husbands.
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by
submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.
And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
1 Peter 3:5-6. The language comment appears to be a reference to the language recorded in Genesis 18:12, in which Sarah refers to Abraham as "my lord." There are a lot of things to learn from Peter's words.
First, of course, he is talking about submission, the on-going issue for so many husband/wife discussions. The Bible could not be more clear in its commands for wives to be submissive. We can talk forever about what that means. It clearly does not mean passive (see Proverbs 31 and the activities of the Excellent Wife). It does not mean foolish or ignorant or inferior. It means submissive. Just as a husband is to be submissive to fellow believers, so a wife is to be submissive to her husband. (There is also a submission from husband to wife, but that is a husband issue, not a wife issue.)
Second, however, notice that he describes submission as an adornment. It was by submission that "holy women . . . used to adorn themselves." Adornment is a very important issue for women. Women love what we now call "accessories," which are really just adornments. An adornment is something that makes something attractive and pleasant. Flowers on a table are an adornment.
Holy women are to adorn themselves with submission, which means that they are to be known for and notice for the nature of their relationship with their husband. We live in a world that tells people to build up their own image by putting down others, but the Bible envisions a world where we build up ourselves (adorn ourselves) by building up others. Adorn yourself with submission.
If you do so, finally, then you are "her children," at least if you do good and live bravely. In the Bible, being someone's child is not a biological issue, but an issue of character. You are her children, children of Sarah, children of a righteous woman, if you live as she lived. Do good with your life (as in Proverbs 31) and do not let fear stop you.
The warning about fear is central to the problem of submission. Women fear submission because they fear being abused or simply ignored. Women fear being treated badly because many men have done so over the years.
Put simply, Peter gives you a very clear choice. You can live in fear, but you cannot be an Excellent Wife living in fear. You can compete with your husband or even dominate him, but your efforts will not adorn your life. You will not gain approval by so acting.
Ultimately, this is something you must deal with in your spiritual life. God calls you to a submission empowered by your faith in Him and your reliance on Him. Submission is the measure of your faith in God, the measure of your obedience to God, and the measure of your assurance that God is sovereign.
On my other blog, at www.graceforlaw.com, I wrote today about the 10,000 Hour Rule. The Rule is based on the idea that we can only be really good at something if we have invested 10,000 hours in it. The principle is certainly true, we get better at what we are focused on. We become better teachers, preachers, lawyers, accountants, plumbers, machinists, parents, etc., by simply doing the job over and over.
So, how are you doing on being an Excellent Wife?
If the 10,000 Hour Rule has any value, then you need to think about whether being an Excellent Wife is really what you are spending time on. If your husband heads off to work, and you stay at home, what do you do when he is gone? Do you start to work on your home and children, or hit the computer? Are you planning dinner, or do you wait until he gets home and then "talk about" what to have for dinner? Are you working on being an Excellent Wife today?
For all that we learn from the 10,000 Rule, the real problem is that we don't want to work on ourselves in regard to relationships. We have been sold the idea that marriage is "natural" and that our relationship to our spouse has value because "we don't have to work on it." We enter marriage the same way a lot of people try to play golf. We don't take lessons. We don't practice. We don't work on it. We just show up and play.
Being married is not a hobby, it is your life. Being an Excellent Wife is not your second choice, it is your duty. You need to be investing a lot of time in being an Excellent Wife. You need to think about it, work on it, and keep working on it. You need to prepare meals and plan meals, not just cook meals.
Have you ever looked at what a professional athlete does? When I was young, I read that Pete Rose (the baseball player) spent an hour every day of the off-season hitting in a personal batting cage. This seemed crazy, but he was a great hitter. We have all read or heard of basketball players shooting 500 free throws every day or golfers playing 8 hours every day. We think this sounds crazy, but they are the ones who get to be great.
What are you doing? Are you doing anything that prepares you for being a wife the way free throws and batting cages and driving ranges prepare athletes?
Today is the day to begin, if you have not already begun. The 10,000 Hour Rule tells us that we need to work in order to improve, so let's get going.
As you go along in your married life, you may sometimes want to spend some time looking at old photographs. We are fond of the idea of "photographs and memories," even the old Jim Croce song with that title. We often even equate the two, claiming we have "lost all our memories" when a home burns, for example. We have come to love photographs.
Too bad.
The problem with photographs is that they present something that is not real. Look at a photograph of you from your wedding day. Is that still how you look? Is wearing a special gown on a special day really who you are? Is the hair and the make-up anything like the person you are today?
As we age, we can be somewhat troubled by the changes in how we look. We not only get older, we look older. Our figures are not what they were when we were younger. For women, especially, having children makes a big difference over the years. Photographs can deceive us into thinking that the image on the paper is the person we married. It is not, it's just an image.
The person sitting at the table, or sleeping beside you, is the person you married. Maybe he does not look like he used to look. Let's be honest, we know he doesn't look like that anymore. You do not look the same either. Why should I look back at what my wife used to look like? Until about 150 years ago, every man and woman on earth lived this way. They lived with memories, not photographs. If I want to know how my wife looks, I look at her. I do not look at old images of her.
Sometimes, as I watch my wife, I see something that reminds me of how she used to look when we were young. There are looks, flashes, moments when I can see again the young woman from 30 years ago. I love those moments. I love her.
Now, if I looked at a photograph from 30 years ago, I suspect my impressions would not be really very accurate. I doubt that a person who has not loved her and lived with her for all these years would find as much to recognize as I find. I also know they would not be as thrilled with those memories as I am thrilled with them.
I rarely look at old photographs. I see no reason to do so. My life is not contained in paper and ink but in my memories and in my heart. My wife is the woman whom I love and to whom I am married.
So, for me, it is never "photographs and memories." It is real life, lived today, with the woman I love.
|
RSS Feed