So, we have a problem. 

On the one hand, we are taught by our culture that sex is somehow "dirty," that is, that we are not to talk about it at all. We can have sex within our marriages, but we are not to discuss sex at all. Not with our children, not with our spouse, not with anyone. 

The Bible, on the other hand, teaches that sex is natural and good and necessary for the existence of marriage. The Bible teaches that married couples ought to be sexually active and sexually satisfied throughout their marriage. 

But the Bible also teaches that sex is a duty. This is where the problem comes in for most of us. If it is pleasurable, then why is it also a duty? Too many people (especially women in our age) use the "duty" verses (1 Cor. 7) to justify violating the pleasure verses (Song of Solomon, Proverbs, etc.). They say that they "are willing" to have sex when necessary, but since sex is "dirty" (the cultural idea), they don't really enjoy having sex and will have it as seldom as possible. They end up being commanded to do what they ought to be enjoying doing.

So, our marriages end up utterly confused. Young men who have been poorly taught (primarily by culture and by booklets) show up on the wedding night expecting to have all their dreams come true, having no idea how their wife feels about what is happening at all. Wives show up on wedding nights expecting to be loved and caressed, only to find their husbands solely focused on their own pleasure. Wedding nights can be extremely traumatic.

And the trauma continues. He is not well trained, she is not well trained, and their efforts are confused, and they lose the joy of sexuality. Eventually, it becomes a question of her "headaches" and "being tired" and of his being aggressive and demanding. Sexuality ceases and the relationship cools. Sex becomes duty. Which, by the way, is better than no sex at all, as Paul makes clear. 

These things ought not to be. Men and women need to be actually told about sex. They do not need booklets ("A Doctor Talks to Nine-to-Twelve Year Olds"). They do not need to see movies about people having sex. They need to be taught. They need to know that the wedding night is not the culmination of their lives but the beginning of their lives together.

So, what do you do now? 

You talk about it. You take actions. You have a husband, so love him. Tonight. Tell him what you want him to do and listen to what he says to you. Start over, if things have been bad between you. 

Don't make it a duty. Make it a joy. That is how God designed it.

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